Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
