dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
