YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
