considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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