That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
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My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
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Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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