Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
