Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
