dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
