I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
