im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
