My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
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i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
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You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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