We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
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you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
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So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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