we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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