At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize