im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
