So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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