I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
