Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
