probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
