I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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