On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
