meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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