I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
