Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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