Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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