Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
