I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
