Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
should my penis look like a turkey
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
