so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
