no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My penis needs a shock collar
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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