Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
