allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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