So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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