Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
