Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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