Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
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I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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