Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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