Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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