i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Go christen that room with your naked body.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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