I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
