DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
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I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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