Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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