I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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