she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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