Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If I die, sorry about rent.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
