i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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