Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
