I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
