I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sorry about my life...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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