Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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