Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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