As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The uberlube is also flammable
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
