the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
50% drunk capacity currently
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
