I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
