Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
