our cab driver is having phone sex.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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