My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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