If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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