If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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