I think I died a long time ago.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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