I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
