just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
