Will you blow on my dice?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
