I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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