my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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