did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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